I love You, a Thousand Times.

Leaving your house
after the weekend
always feels a bit
like dying

until it’s done.

I have my routine now.
I hoover the rug
my dog shat on
at our first date
because you always
do the cooking.

I wash the bed linen
because the stains of our
love making
bite the fabric.

I smoke one last cigarette
that you left for me because
you know I suck at quitting.

I write you a poem
and leave it on your bed.
And when there are no words
that rhyme or have rhythm
I simply write

I love you
I love you
I love you

a thousand times.

Small Town Dying

on monday
we are hungover from
that weekend
when we lived

on tuesday
we wash our car
because god forbid
the car next door
shines harder

on wednesday
we mow the lawn
and throw the apples
back over the hedge

on thursday we pay
our taxes and fuck our wives
because this needs to happen
once a month

on friday we eat fish
and i think jesus
had something to do
with that

on
saturday
we die

Violated

he looks like
an army vet
like in one of those
american movies
we watched

pilot glasses
porn moustache
trucker cap

he rides a mobility
scooter
and his wife rides one
too
while his granddaughter
bounces up and down
a makeshift trolley

i wear a sleeveless shirt
and he looks at me
with that disgusting man face
some of them make
while his wife complains
about the weather

Summer in Autumn

it is summer
in autumn
because climate change
is only a hoax
when you are
a millionaire
and your head
has been crushed
by the paper
you made
underpaying
the women
that sew

for the rest of us
it’s wildfires
and tsunamis
while
you set
a nature reserve
on fire
to reveal the genitals
of your baby
like gender
is still a thing
worth celebrating
instead of
a bunch of cells
sticking together
in a womb

i take of my shirt
and look at the brown
leaves on the curb
wondering when
we all die
in mother nature’s
final attempt
to salvage the planet

Eindhoven in the Summertime

he asked me
if i would go analy
she said
while crossing
the zebra

there are three
of them
all blond and giggly
and i probably
wasn’t supposed
to hear that

i’m walking around
his city
which used to be mine
long before he
arrived
all hopes
and ambition
and with an accent
that makes my knees
shake

it looks like it is about to rain

i pass a striped top
with big tits
under the bridge
she reminds me
of that girl
who told me
my ex was still
living
with his wife

i text you
that i’m horny

the sun reflects
on the pavement
and the statue
of a maiden
pouring oil
for all eternity
catches my eye

i will sort you out
when we i get home
you say

home

i listen to the tapping
of a blind man’s cane
against the curb

the uber eats biker
pulls a face
and i give him
the finger

home
you said
and that’s exactly
what it feels like

Lilith

you come into my house
and tell me what to feel
as you wipe your feet on
my furniture
and shit
on my rug

you come into my house
and call me names
like whore
medusa
and lilith

when it was HIM
who was married
when i met him

(on wednesdays we smash
the patriarchy)

you come into my house
and tell me
to take responsibility
for your feelings
like i don’t have plenty
of my own

you come into my house
and tell me i am too
much of everything

too angry
too loud
too negative
too proud

you tell me
that my dishes are dirty
and my unwashed knickers
offend you

the devil blinks first here
and still
you come into my house

When I say ‘I love you’

when i say
i love you
i mean
i love the way
you rest your head
on my legs
in the park
and
i love the way
your eyes go soft
when you look at me
after we made love
and
i love the way
your fingers
on my spine make
my toes tingle
and
i see the little things
you do even though
you think i don’t notice
and
i love that you
figured out that netflix plot twist
a couple of seconds
before i did
and
i love that you take time off work
to wait for me to come home
and
i love the way you talk
about your mother
and
i love the way you smile
when you are with friends

this is what i mean
when i say
those three words

Spotlight

my brother’s
pancreatic tumour
started to bleed
and that friend
i told you about
had a blood pressure of
seventy over twenty

holy shit
i say
even though
i am really tired
and had a shitty shift
and really just want
to go to bed

holy shit

and i think of the musicians
and the actors
and the models
and the influencers
talking about corona as if we are all gonna live like this forever
and their lives are over
because they thrive in the spotlights
and people don’t need them
when they are too busy
just surviving
and then i look at my workmate
and there is no spotlight
but despite the pancreatic cancer
and despite the deadly blood pressure
she is getting ready for a nightshift
at the care home
and i wonder
where her spotlight is
where the cameras are
and where the fans
are hiding

Dying Pixel Dust

i erase your existence
from my phone
by clicking
the trash icon
on each individual
image we took
not building a life
together
but memories
all the same

years worth
of history
destroyed
in seconds

i kiss
no one

look at
no one

love
no one

suffer for
no one

as i rewrite
my story

this time
i am
the leading lady
i always was
without you

as i watch
your smile
reduced
to dying
pixel
dust