Lilith

you come into my house
and tell me what to feel
as you wipe your feet on
my furniture
and shit
on my rug

you come into my house
and call me names
like whore
medusa
and lilith

when it was HIM
who was married
when i met him

(on wednesdays we smash
the patriarchy)

you come into my house
and tell me
to take responsibility
for your feelings
like i don’t have plenty
of my own

you come into my house
and tell me i am too
much of everything

too angry
too loud
too negative
too proud

you tell me
that my dishes are dirty
and my unwashed knickers
offend you

the devil blinks first here
and still
you come into my house

Saturday Night

he has the eyes
of a puppy dog
and knows
how to use them

dark chest hair
above the collar
of his shirt
turns me on
like a house
on fire

i watched you dance

his arms
are around my hips
when lightning
makes its way
across a darkened sky
the red neon letters
of a nearby hotel
standing tall
and bloody
in the night

i watched you smoke

it is difficult
to meet someone
she says

his best friend
with the long
brown hair
lights another
cigarette

i saw you smile

he is talking
to his friend
on the other side
of the balcony
but his eyes
return to me
every single time

i watched you drink

his hand is in mine
my face on his chest
as we slowly move
our tired bodies
to imaginary music
and i wonder if this
is what i had been
looking for
when i really already
know the answer

When I say ‘I love you’

when i say
i love you
i mean
i love the way
you rest your head
on my legs
in the park
and
i love the way
your eyes go soft
when you look at me
after we made love
and
i love the way
your fingers
on my spine make
my toes tingle
and
i see the little things
you do even though
you think i don’t notice
and
i love that you
figured out that netflix plot twist
a couple of seconds
before i did
and
i love that you take time off work
to wait for me to come home
and
i love the way you talk
about your mother
and
i love the way you smile
when you are with friends

this is what i mean
when i say
those three words

Spotlight

my brother’s
pancreatic tumour
started to bleed
and that friend
i told you about
had a blood pressure of
seventy over twenty

holy shit
i say
even though
i am really tired
and had a shitty shift
and really just want
to go to bed

holy shit

and i think of the musicians
and the actors
and the models
and the influencers
talking about corona as if we are all gonna live like this forever
and their lives are over
because they thrive in the spotlights
and people don’t need them
when they are too busy
just surviving
and then i look at my workmate
and there is no spotlight
but despite the pancreatic cancer
and despite the deadly blood pressure
she is getting ready for a nightshift
at the care home
and i wonder
where her spotlight is
where the cameras are
and where the fans
are hiding

Dying Pixel Dust

i erase your existence
from my phone
by clicking
the trash icon
on each individual
image we took
not building a life
together
but memories
all the same

years worth
of history
destroyed
in seconds

i kiss
no one

look at
no one

love
no one

suffer for
no one

as i rewrite
my story

this time
i am
the leading lady
i always was
without you

as i watch
your smile
reduced
to dying
pixel
dust