You destroyed nothing, buddy.
I destroyed her, it says in the title of a post written by a big shot medium writer. I destroyed her.
Maybe his words triggered something inside me because I have been trying to keep it all together after my own relationship stranded on a barren shore, and I sometimes have that word floating in my head when I feel particularly down; destruction. Broken. Beyond repair. I refer to myself this way, but only in my own company, because I know it’s not true but it helps me write my poetry or something.
But I can tell you this. It’s not in your power to destroy her. Your ex-girlfriend did not come to life the minute you rocked up. You did not create her so you don’t have the power to destroy her. You are not God, or an artist, or some knight in shining armor who slayed her dragons. You did not break her heart for all eternity. You are just some dude on your way to becoming a distant memory.
Yes she posts sad quotes on social media and she doesn’t move on to the next guy straight away. Give the woman a break. She is grieving.
You promised her a future and then started bitching about the expectations she dared to have. I’d say she is allowed to be in pain.
But despite the pain, you not wanting her is not the end of her world and some day soon she will remember that. She will slowly come to terms with the fact her dreams will start moving in new directions, that her expectations have to be adjusted and that the future is filled with endless possibilities again. And hell, she loves you and a woman’s heart can carry that love for a lifetime. But there will be more love, new love, and whether or not she is destroyed by what you did is not up to you. It’s up to her, and if she is anything like the woman you describe in your article, she will rise.
It’s like Nayyirah Waheed said: If someone does not want me it is not the end of the world. But if I do not want me, the world is nothing but endings.
Maybe that is what you did for your ex. Your rejection made her realise she needs to love herself more.
This is what is slowly happening to me. I am currently struggling with coming to terms with the end of my own relationship. I thought I had met the man of my dreams; the man I would marry and have adventures with but this relationship taught me that sometimes people just talk the talk and that actions lie louder than words.
We were both at fault though. Me for not seeing what was right in front of me and him for not letting me go when he knew he would never be able to love me.
There are days when I wake up feeling destroyed. There are days when I feel damaged beyond repair and that the rejection will hurt forever. There are days where I am convinced that he will always be the one for me, that I am forever ruined, even if I find someone else. On those days I fear being alone for the rest of my life, stuffing my face with chocolate and drinking red wine whilst scribbling angry poems on the internet. When I engage in negative self talk like that, it feels real, but it’s just a warped version of the truth because it is my truth and my childhood still throws sand in my eyes every day. The thing about personal truths though, is that they can be changed. That’s what god invented therapists for.
I read this man’s article again.
I read about how he dragged things out. I read about how he did not want to hurt her. Guess what dude, you not being honest about your feelings only resulted in her having to work on trusting people again. So not only did you hurt her feelings, you also potentially damaged the way she looks at other people. You taught her that she can be lied to by the one person she is supposed to trust the most.
I didn’t want to hurt her is what you tell yourself because it sounds much better than I wasted her time because I didn’t have the balls to do the right thing.
I won’t lie. I am guilty of having done this as well. Once. And I swore never to do it again. By not wanting to admit the truth, I wasted seven years of a good man’s life in our twenties. I never thought I destroyed him though, I had faith in his ability to recover. And he did. He is moving in with his new girl and they are happy. We are at most, a lesson learned.
So no, you didn’t destroy her. You just ended her relationship and she will be thankful for that one day, when she finds a better match and it are his arms she falls asleep in at the end of the day, finally knowing what love is supposed to look like.